Intention was Right, approach was Wrong ... !!

Being wise in life will not come from experiencing two or three bitter things in life. It comes from a continuous thought process and the lessons that we gather from our earlier mistakes and essentially by not repeating them. Yesterday when I spoke to my inlaws about some family issues, I happened to tell them few things that I have heard about them from someobody. My intention was purely to get things sorted out between two parties and make them feel better about each other. I failed to realize that being frank does not work with everyone as people may not have the capability to think broad and put themselves in others shoes. The age also matters, most of our older generation has always liked to believe what they have been taught rather than analyzing or logically reasoning it out. A third person entering a fight will never resolve any issues. It will only aggravate the situation. Open communication does not mean I should talk on behalf of somebody else. I think open communication helps only when the two effected parties speak face to face. Also, it was the way I spoke.. it was so straight that it was obvious that they were hurt and it only made it more miserable for them. I need to learn how to talk to different age group of people and even if I want to communicate on behalf of someone else I need to make sure the conversation is more on a diplomatic way rather being personal. I thought I was good at talking sensitive issues. I have realised that I am pathetic and I have a big scope for improvement. I have realised its easy to be staright forward but not easy to be smart in dealing both sides without creating any further damages. My intention was pure and it was to see both the parties live happily and in peace together. My intentions were right but the approach was not justifiable for my own conscious. Hope someday, I will learn to deal with people and their emotions.

-D

Plan - always remains a Plan

It was my vacation time and I had a good time. I owe myself a new post to lock down all my memories but nevertheless I don't find enough time to do it.

The idea of starting your own business has always exited me. Till now I am not able to comprehend whether it is the money that I aspire or a form of work that I love doing the most through which I can also achieve commercial success. The latter is the actually the main confusing factor here. I want to earn money, now I am not behind earning lots and lots of money. If it happens than it is like a bonus. The tougher homework here for me is to conclude what is the I like to do in my life on my own which can also give me a constant earning. If I had a steady monthly income, then I could explore into more possibilities were making money could be given a back seat and perceiving the interest would get the highest precedence. But my situation is not such and I have to also make money and work in something that I love.

I love to cook, I love interior designing. Ok does it stop there, or is there any other additions. No...I cannot think of anything else that I would love and give my 100%.

Cooking - Is a very general word. Food industry is very vast and I have no clue from where to start. Should I focus on South Indian or North Indian or a non-india cuisine. Which class of customers am I targetting and when I say cooking, do I literally like to cook or do I want to start a restaurant and manage it. Do I have enough people management skills, good contacts and an idea from where to start? If it is south indian, I will have the toughest competition because there are plenty of them already. Same with north indian too. Where would be the strategic location which will generate more business. Finding all this details and fighting against each odds, is that what I want to do? is that what I would love to do? The answer is 'I dont know'.

Coming to Interior designing - Thats totally a unknown industry to me. Yes, I like to design my house... but it does not mean I can be a professional. I have no clue in this field and the taste of the end customer varies from modern, contemporary, to traditional to sophisticated designs. I should probably join a school to read through the basics and get to know where to start. I am sure, unless I become a independent famous designer I will not earn any good money. The competition is also too much and I am definitely going to be a sand in ocean.

Alls well, That ends well.

Alls well, That ends well - so true.. change is the only constant thing and no one is spared. A beginning definitely has a ending.An ending is a rebirth of a new beginning. Its easy to place these words one after the other in the order, but in reality accepting a end to anything is very tough for human beings.When someone dies, when someone leave us, when relationship breaks, when we lose our love, when we lose our friends... etc the list itself is endless. Losing money might not put an end to earn money again, but losing a person is like you never get to see them again. For ex: If we are ending a realationship on a bad note the feelings are never pleasant. Even though there might be beautiful moments that are attached to this relationship in the past, but it is very hard to distinct the hard feelings and good moments. As 'ending' is inevitable in most of the scenarios, why not end it in a nice way. This way at least we can cherish the good old memories.On the other hand, its not easy to end things on a good note. Unless there is that level of maturity from both the ends.If it is still good why to end it ;) The point that I want to make here is, end is certain, but why end it in a bitter way, why not end it in a good note? Its easier said than done. But if it could be implemented, than I feel nothing like it.
-D

Each step counts... !!!

Ahh.. I have been always writing only emotional and philosophical posts in this blog, but only when I get irritated or emotional or happy or sad, I feel like writing a blog. I see many blogs with recipes, general affairs etc... somehow I havent reached that level yet.

When I look back at my past, I see more mistakes than a wooow feeling. But that doesnt stop me feeling happy about some past instances and about some people in the past who may no longer be in touch with me. It might have been a bitter end, but as time passes along, the intensity of pain of all those big bad moments starts fading away and I feel that I have finally learnt to let go things and learn to live happily. I feel good, it makes me smile. I have learnt the hard way. It definetely may not go too well with the people around, but I cannot redo anything and I dont care anymore. I am glad I came through it and learned to live through it and finally feeling neutral about a lot of things. This post might not make too much sense to others but I know how I am feeling. I have progressed one step ahead in life, a step which is helping me to be happy, to be positive and to appreciate my life.

-D

Ego and Adjustment - doesnt go hand in hand.

Offlate, I have been closely watching people around me and hearing about so many tales that are not really rosy ! What I could see that there is no big problem, all are small issues but people are not open to communicate with each other. The best thing is when u weigh both sides, no one is to be blamed. It is just the situation in which both the parties are !! However I do not want to deny the fact that people can always talk it out. I am sure all of us have a ego, that stands higher than the wiser thoughts we have. I have been hearing of husband insulting his wife with no mercy infront of public, problems between son and father, daughter-in law and in laws. List just goes on....But not one gets to look at this from a close proximity even though we everyday hear of terrible things happening around the world. The other day my dad and I had this big fight and few clash of words which instantly poisened the atmosphere ... It is very disturbing to have such conversations. All said and done, it is inevitable sometimes and is good to put things out instead of keeping it inside your mind and watering your thoughts day in and day out. Appa and I obviously cleared it out when in the cool heads later and we hold no opinions about each other. But this does not happen in most of the other forced relationships within a family.The main problem I see is:

-People dont want to communicate with each other

-Everyone thinks he/she is always right

-Most people dont consider their daugher-in laws as one among their children, Partiality is always loudly visible ... (Is also equally applicable vice versa with daughter in laws)

-There is no open discussion about small issues and ego comes in between to accept mistakes and move on

-Complain about all the problems to a third person out of family, but not enough courtesy to solve it between the people were the problem lies. One fine day you get to know from the third person that this has been told about you by your own family members !

-No one wants to adjust to others way of life

According to me practically it is impossible to please anyone completely. It is best to be independent and live by yourself, if you think the relationship is getting bitter. Definetely a honest effort has to be made to set it right. Now its altogether different question if you dont want to set it right.

It is very complex and there is no definetive rule as such. It is situation based and to an extent individual based. Life is never rosy forever and everyone has to go through it themselves to understand others problems. Now there are rare souls like Phani who can think rationally without being biased. If I were to be in such situation, I would ask to myself is it really required to adjust to the situation or can I be free and let the other person also free.. this may not go too well with society.. but society does not give you peace of mind...

-D

Narcissism...I hate it...

Writing my second post in one day for the first time. I am irritated. The people whom you consider as your friends, sometimes can really be irritating. What is annoying is how people make judgements on others. Most of the times the success of a person is not attributed to his hard work. Most of the times people are jealous to see others grow and I guess they feel left out. There are some other kind of creatures also, who think that they are superior to all... they display the attitude that they are the best... What a pity... I wonder when will they realise that this world has produced more fantastic and outstanding talents and they are just like a granule of sand in the sea . At the same time there are those humble heads who are always a treat to socialise with.

Egoism, superiority complex and judgements without rationalism.... is very annoying and disturbing at times.. However when I encounter such things in my surroundings, an alarm bell rings into my ear that stay disconnected with such people, stay passive to their comments and always tell yourself that dont become like them...

-D

Trying to be myself...

I have realised in time that I am not a person who likes to attend functions or marriages and get togethers unless it is of a very close friend. Especially in the hindu functions, or pooja's the purpose is always defeated. There will be a priest sitting in a corner singing his mantras, but none of the audience sitting there are intersted to even know about the rituals, why it is followed etc. I am no exception. Most of us are either waiting for the food to be served or chatting loudly with other people around gossiping about people, sometimes about the same people whose function we are currently attending. From my childhood to till now, we have also done many functions and I am sure I never gave a deep thought about it until now ! In some occassions, the host is hardly interested to greet you...isnt that the worst thing??you call someone and dont welcome or treat them well. In a marriage where 1000 people have been gathered,can you greet each of them personally and be with them ?? I am contradicting myself :)

All the relations, people, family... all these words have such a broad meaning. Its difficult to build the borders and definetely more difficult to define who belongs inside it.

I personally do not want to attend any functions nor want to organise any. Even if I do in future, the people inside my border will be hardly few. According to me most of the people in our society do all the rituals just for the sake of it. Ask them the meaning of it and they are speechless. But these are the same people who talk all big things about religion, god.. etc. I cant measure one's belief but it definelty looks a lot meaningless to me most of the times. But I am sure I can talk all big things, I too will end up repeating this again...in the process of pleasing others...

God bless me...

-D

Friend

One of my good friend is getting an opportunity to settle down in US. Its a very good news and I am so happy for her. Its been more than 9 yrs that we have known each other. we have witnessed almost everything that has happened in each others life from past 5 yrs. probably she is the only one with whom I have spoken more than 4 hrs in phone and have almost spoken every alternative days. I am not the kind of person who will completely open up to anyone. We might not know the minutest details of each others life, but the best thing is we can relate to things when we share our thoughts, experiences.. etc. Though I dont want to talk about the depth of this relationship here..I still want to write few things about it that would make me happy and sad:(

In college she was the topper and everyone's eyes was on her.. and honestly I always felt people wanted to cling on to her all the time, u know its good to be recognised along with a brainy rather than with a dumbass.. On top of it she was foreign returned and had a accent !! hehe.

We both were together in lab exper and practical exams etc as first letter of our names were not too far in the english albhatetical order ;) We were more of just classmates. I doubt if we were friends. She made sure that she kept a distance with everyone around.. May be she didnt feel anyone that interesting, nor trustworthy or may be not that intellectual.. I never undestodd the reason quite well than when I was in the college...However, we had few common interests and that was staring the sky with silence in the hostel terrace and ofcourse the undeniable music and the walkman, cassets(OMG- the cassette zamana) and sipping the coffee in the college canteen. It was fun... those days were nice. Dormant and lazy attitude towards studies, but with high career aspirations and big dreams.. !! I dont remember even single class were I have lsitened to the lecture. A single internals/ externals were I have studied to my hearts content. That reminds me .. how always me and her used to enter the exam hall when there was only one minute left for the exam to begin and how we both used to be always late to the everyday class. Gosh.. it takes some guts to set this trend in the college!! hehehe..

Coming back to her, as I said I would not call both of us as friends when we were in college as it was a suffocating atmosphere that we all were in during college and our all time motive was to get out of the halli !!( the place I did my eng was a rural village, literally inside a forest and the place was known as Halligattu :) ) .. As we graduated.. obviously we were all meant to go apart and none of us mourned for it. One sudden day, I happen to meet her and from then we started to be in touch and continued to be friends.. Initially I was hesitant as I knew the person she was.. she would not be a hushy mushy friend. Thats when I almost decided that I will have almost zero expectations from this friendship and I honestly just did that. Of course there were times, when I have expected from her and felt bad. I might or might not have expressed this to her... but I never carry the negative thoughts forward when it comes to her. I leave it there and move on. But thats not the person I am generally. That makes me feel happy about myself.

She has definetely gone through a lot of downs in her life. What makes me feel proud is she has stood by all that alone and have fought back. She is a person who believes in what she does and has no regrets at all. She definetely is a lot more rational even though she has her emotional side. She is a winner and will continue to win. Sometimes I miss her but at the same time happy that she is finally getting what she deserves and has to finally stay where she belongs. I wish someday Phani changes his mind and we also can settle down in the US and be close with the friends we love. If that happens then we will be far from the family we love. So, u loose if u want to gain and when u loose something u gain on the things that are stilll intact with you. I think at the end of the day in this modern day world, its hard to live closer to everyone. It bogs down to ur husband and children. What matters and what stays until the end is those countless moments and memories both good and bad... memories that can make u smile and travel back to the time. I will miss u my friend, but I hold no one and one fine day there might be a chance that we both may no longer be in touch.. but that doesn mean that I dont love u and miss u...

-D

Temple visit

Its so amazing how indian parents can do anything for their kids.. sorry I should say any parent in this world will do anything for their kids.. When I finished my second PU and was hunting for a engineering seat with a very bad CET ranking and roaming in the unknown streets of blore on my counselling day with my mom near majestic we happend to visit a temple and my mom was very emotional about me and prayed to god that she will come back to this temple some day if all goes well. That was almost 10 yrs back ! OMGosh..

I exactly dont know what is the meaning of "if everyhing goes well" as in these 10 yrs the share of ups and downs in my life has been equal. Ofcourse the 'downs' were due to my lack of thinking ability but the 'ups' might have happened only because of the accumulated blessings and luck (do I sound silly)..

After almost 10 yrs amma and me finally manged to locate the same temple in the tiny and messy roads of chickpet. My mom was into tears when she was praying to god, I respect her emotions.. but I didnt feel rather good nor bad... it was more like one task out of my todo's. From there we atleast visited 5 temples in malleshwaram and mahalakshmi layout. Amma genuinely felt so happy and she thanked me for taking her to all these temples. Yesterday I took her to a italian restaurant and made her eat things which she said she liked,but not sure did she really like it or not. The point what I want to make is, if I want to see others happy, I should give them what they like rather than what makes me happy by giving them.. thats were the real happiness lies.. all in all todays trip was nice with so many varieties of prasada's in each temple.. and the fresh smell of flowers, aarthi, tulsi etc etc... These visits are a refresher once in a while..I think I should hop-on to temples more often..but definetly not to the temples were I can see more people than god and more voices than silence...

-D

Irritating moments

It irritates me when my parents fight with each other. Sometimes when I call them, I find them fighting over silly past stuff. My mom's points are right but to her unfortunate fate my dads ego never lets him to surrender to her that he was wrong and he has made mistakes in past which has hurt her deeply. He says what is the point going back to 25 yrs. In a way it is true, but what about those young years that are lost without having any fun, any enjoyment and no sense of feeling together and being for each other. I am sure this is the case in 60% of the marriages, as it grows older, the charm starts fading. What surprises me is my dad's attitude about how he is right all the time. He does not give credit to mom's sacrifices. Or I will say he does give credit, but it is not consistent and subject to instant changes in opinion. Of course, no one wants to be blamed and when my mom continously nags about past, he looses his temper. If you think from his perspective, its correct.. whats the point to go back in time which cannot be changed anyways. But if you look at my moms perspective, I guess she just wants him to show a remorsefull attitude than 'I dont care' attitude. After 27 yrs of marriage I dont think the frequency still matches exactly the way it should have been.

Surprisingly,even after such cat fights, what inspires me is the survival of my parents marriage and very well together. I dont know nor want to analyse who sacrificed for who for it to be surviving so far, but inevitably both of them commited to each other.

How in our generation marriages dont survive and how we fight over smallest of things. I definetly know that commitment is what most of the people in our generation lack and thats why we see so many divorce around us. Not that I am against the idea of divorce, afterall what makes u happy is what matters. All said, the indian society has this conventional views which is very tough to be ignored.

Irritation is easily triggered by any small or big uneasy event, but for me sometimes it gets into the nerves and makes me impulsive. Learning to control irritation will be a great help to lead a happy life.. as for me I am trying and will keep trying...

-D

Just a passing thought...

I am not a biology student. Unfortunately did not opt for bio in PU. Even more unfortunate was in my 26yrs of existence never bothered to find out what are the different parts of our body and what they function and how they function. This illiteracy about human body parts and names of different body organs does not help me in anyway in my yoga classes. Many a time I go blank when my yoga teacher instructs to move a particular part of the body.. I dont know which body part I should move.. thats why I decided to learn some basic stuff.. and ended up reading a lot about brain.. its amazing how complex our body is... and how well its linked to function in an integrated manner. Can evolution answer all this complex architecture and structuring of our body? Or does it force us to think that there is a mastermind behind all this. Not just human beings.. there are thousands of different kind of species in the form of plants, animals, water bodies..etc. I think its high time I start reading about evolution.. but I still wonder if all the questions could be answered and many unanswered questions can be linked to a anonymous power that we human beings call as GOD.

Talking about GOD, how can I forget about religion and spirituality. I was reading about some of the scientists and their definition of God. Its nice to know how different people have different opinions about GOD, religion and spirituality. I am born to a religious brahmin family, were from my childhood I was involved in watering Tulsi and putting Rangoli every morning, saying mantras and bowing down to god in the pooja room, picking flowers and kadike(a kind of grass which is special to lord ganesha) and again in the evening lighting the pooja room with a deepa, aarthi, incense sticks and 3 times play the shanka(a kind of a shell, when kept near the lips and tried to push air inside it, will create a sound). This was part of my regular day to day activity as a school going girl. As a kid I never questioned my parents who force uponed me to do these rituals regularly. Ironically, now when I live in my own house, and in my own terms, I never do any of these rituals. Does it mean I never believed in what I did for those long years or I am too lazy person to do it regularly. I think above all I have started to 'think' and 'analyse' and my experience tells me that you dont need to do all these rituals to pray to god. I started believing that my good acts will protect me and my bad acts will cause me pain. So when the problem and resolution lies within me, I didnt feel the need to convince god by doing these ritual acts. But I have to admit that I feel good when I hear mantras. May be our Hindu religion also has all good morals and practices, but I have failed to comprehend its essence in daily life.

Being spiritual has nothing do with being religious.I believe spirituality goes way beyond the boundaries of religion. Spiritual to me is first connecting myself to my own conscious and then to that invisible energy/power that lies around us.

Sometimes I am neither spiritual nor religious and other times I am both. I can bravely conclude that I for sure do not know what I practice and thats why its does not interest me most of the times. All these years I was easily carried away or influenced to what other people asked me to do and did not question it.

But at times, I feel good to listen about GOD, I feel good to listen mantras, I feel good to read about our ancestoral stories and abour supernatural things that happen around us.

At the end of the day, its best to follow our mind and listen to what we like to follow rather than what others force us to follow.

Honesty

Honesty --- How many of us actually take this word seriously? How many of us are honest @ work, honest at relationships, honest at handling money and honest in telling the truth.. list goes on... !!

I believe no one in this world is completely honest to another person. We all fake it up most of the times. We try to manipulate the original 'us' to someone who could please others, who could be admired by others. Not all the time, but most of the times we are bound to fake it becuase of the situation.

whenever I think about honesty, I ask myself - Am I a honest daughter, honest sister, honest friend and honest wife. I could relate myself to other roles/entities, but these are the most important roles were I would want to ask myself whether I am being honest. The answer is obvious and the answer is No. I am not the odd man out.. I am sure 99.999% of the human population fall under the same category as me.

The bigger question that arises to me is how honest am I to myself? Ofcourse my soul or conscious constantly reminds me each time when I go wrong.. may be the smallest of things... like eating junk things when I am actually on a diet...

I dont know about other people, but for me being honest to myself looks like a bigger challenge... I appear to make resolutions, decisions and all you know again I dont follow any of them. Isnt it being dishonest to myself? I always promised myself that I will study well and pass in distinction.. but did not do it. I always promised myself to reduce weight and get fit and healthier, again didnt do it.. Likewise there are many such small and big things that I have promised myself, but failed to keep up the promise.

When I retrospect or to be precise introspect, I realise most of the problems that I have landed myself to was without being honest to myself.

I am not sure if this discovery of me not being honest to myself would trigger my honest harmones to go and confess to people, but from this moment onwards I will put my sincere effort to be honest to myself and to an extent to other people around me.

-D

Weekend Night Out

Its been a while since I blogged. Numerous topics have been roaming over my mind, but not able to make up time.

After a long long period finally partied at a friends place last week. It was nice. Drink and dine was the main attraction of the night. After consecutive pegs of Whisky(I must say half of it was mixed with Red Bull !! there were no real hardcore whisky drinkers!! lol) the boys population wanted to go for a car ride to Maddur. Everyone including the driver had a lil buzz. The main attraction of the journey was NICE road through which we join the mysore road. This stretch of the road looks similar to the highways in Aus. Feels good to drive or to be driven in that road in the midst of dark night and cool breeze. And.. not to forget ,.. a smoke is the perfect buddy when u stopover the car in the middle of the road. We did all this. This is not the first time, I have done this before with other friends too. What I want to say here is, I realised I no more enjoy these moments, I no more long to have such experience, no more want to have such night outs. I am so much sucked into my normal routine of life that I have reached a stage were I dont enjoy anything other than this routine. How sick of me... I have forgotten to enjoy and appreciate small moments in life and live it up !! This numbness will definetely cost me in the long run. OR may be that there are many memories assosciated to NICE road and the maddur coffe day, its not that I dont want to revisit these roads, but defienetly do not want to revisit the past which reminds me of a lot of things and makes me feel sick again !! whatever is the reason, I know my attitude to live it up each moment has died down and my expectations from myself has increased to deliver materialistic aspects of life. Better late than Never !!

-D

Silly frustrations!!

Sometimes, I lose myself when I am around few people. I am not comfortable and I feel suffocated. I cant be the way I want to and speak the way I like. Ex. when you have some outsiders at home, you have to cook for them 3 times a day, you have to sit and listen to what they talk and provide a response that they would expect,you cannot discuss your personel things, you cant do anything that you would like to do. This happens to me sometimes when I am surrounded by people whom I am not comfortable with. It simply happens because, there is a age gap, there is gap in the lifestyle, there is a gap in the exposure. One other thing puts me off is, when both phani and I are not treated equally and when he is treated with special attention, he is not expected to do any housework but I am expected to do everything on time, he is been loved with no difference, but I am just a assigned person to do things and nothing about me is asked or cared.

I feel I am over stressing myself sometimes, but inevitably I feel bad. I can see the difference and it does hurt me. Its my bad that I expect to be treated equally but I just feel bad soemtimes.

Anyways, there is no point dragging this...If I need to find negative aspects, I can always go on..but by doing that I am losing my own peace of mind. I definetely cant change the world nor I have the courage to go upto the people and criticise them for what they do to me. These things actually make no impact to my day to day life as I hardly encounter with these kind of people once in a while. I guess it depends on your gender, if you are a boy you are not expected to do anything and if you are a girl then you are here to fulfill all the expectations.. such is our indian society and I cant bring any revolution. But I dont know sometimes why it becomes so important to me that they have to love or care about me? I talk so much philosophies and at the end fall into the same trap of emotions and the cycle keeps repeating. OR may be my expectations with people is unrealistic and it is never bound to happen. This is just a spur of a moment and I am sure I would not even care about it after a while, but what I need to learn is not land up myself in such situations and traumatise myself with such absurd feelings which will only spoil my peace of mind. Also; learn to handle situations with such people around and do whatever I can do best and expect back nothing from them at all. I dont know when I can do that, but if I dont change my mindset then I would land myself in the same situation again as today !!

-D

Gossips,Judgements,Blamegames...!!!

Today in my house, there were arguments, discussions, judgements, conclusions..etc.. Not that this does not happen often, but today I want to express what I really feel about it. We all gossip about people, mainly relatives and sometimes very close relatives. Sadly. it does not stay at gossip level, it extends to making judgements, blamegames and what not !! Not that I have not done all these myself in the past... when you actually sit to gossip about someone the excitement doubles and you find it as the best timepass in the world and we also feel that we are talking about the most constructive thing by pointing out about others and their behaviour and somewhere inside our mind.. we also feel proud of ourselves that we are better than them !! I must say most of the people who do judegements and blamegames are the most insecured creatures... or they need a constant dose in the form of these blamegames to prove that they are better than others..!!

Coming back to my point, today I heard people talking about how others should make a decision about a particular event, how they should behave with others, how they should talk.... the list goes big. I was thinking that, these people who made the comments.. did they ever analyse their decisions, behaviours etc and rectify them to adjust with the immediate family that they live with..forget relatives... Does a human being ever have a right to talk about how another human being should live? We can guide someome if we think that they are putting wrong steps, but we can never judge them on the basis of the steps they are taking... because for all we know... that could be the best step for their life!!.. There are exceptions in every case and here I am talking about the general mass and not exceptional scenarios !!

One more habit of people(sometimes including myself) that annoys me, interrupt any conversation in the middle and abruptly stop the conversation of the person who was talking and immediately start with yours OR when there is a discussion happening about a subject everyone is eager to share their experiences and thoughts and least bothered to listen to others !! Sounds pathetic.. isnt it? Are we all such a impatient people OR is it self-assertion??? I think its both.

Todays incident has strongly clutched in my mind and what I have learnt is henceforth I will consciously not involve myself in any such useless discussions of accusing ,blaming or making judgements about others. When I do this the only question keeps echoing in my mind always is.....afterall who am I to accuse others or who am I to set any rules on how one should behave?

This post might not make any sense to most of the narrow thinkers.. but who cares.. I am not here to convince anyone...

-D

Orphanage Visit

This saturday we visited an orphanage in Blore. One of our friend wanted to celebrate his lil daughters b'day along with the orphanage kids. It was a strange feeling for me initially, as I had never visited an orphanage in my life. The kids were cute but at the same time not very clean and well dressed. This orphanage had only 6 orphan kids and this was exclusively for girls. It is a trust formed by 14 working people. The Gov/NGO's do not provide any aid, as this orphanage is only 2 years old. There are 2 women staffs to help the kids and as well for cleaning and cooking purpose. The house was not very clean and like every blore galli's it had a lot of mosquitos. The kids were pathetically dressed and did not appear very clean to us. Amidst all these, the 4 kids were very smart and very charming. I could see the pain in their eyes but also a ray of hope. The kids were sent to english medium schools and fed well according to the manager. We did take along some chocos and toys for them.

After the visit, back home my mind started its Q&A session. How would these kids really feel each time a visitor comes to visit them? Obviously the 9 out of the 10 visitors will be sympathetically inclined towards them rather then sharing any selfless love. How would each kid feel when every visitor asks the same questions to the manager and to the kids. Make them sing and dance or fold their hands and sit in a line in a corner. We people visit them for an hour or two and when we come back we completely forget about them. We get so much involved in our day to day life that we hardly even give a thought about those kids. One question to which I am not able to figure out the answer??... Would these kids feel disgusting after a while when any new visitors come and talk to them, show them sympathy and make them sing and dance OR each time when someone visits they would hope that they will be adopted by someone soon/later and these visitors will come back for them and give them a life of a kid who is no more a orphan...!! My mom was a orphan too and when I hear her stories, I get terrified. The whole thought of not having a parent scares me to hell. I know that I will only think and analyse but will never act, I will never contribute to this part of the society which we all know is suffering and will keep suffering, but I will intentionally pretend to forget about it and convince my conscious that I am too busy in making my own life... !! What more can I say?????

-D

So called 'Work'

Its been a long time since I blogged. I have been extremely busy in office with never ending deployments and KT sessions. I am now getting the knowledge transfer from my australian colleague for a different application. The role is new to me and its all about management, financials, reports..etc Then there would be Statement of Work response( Which is so tedious).. good part is there is a lot of learning curve. There is exposure to real business to an extent. The work involved in this role is more like a consulting type. Sounds good.. but lot to learn. Lots to catch up. But there is a saying in Kannada, 'Kaliyuva tanaka brahma vidye, kalitha mele kothi vidye' !! I feel so lazy to read up lot of notes and trying to understand new concepts. 

If you are working for a big organiszation, there will be a lot of process to follow for even smallest things. This irritates me so much that I sometimes think I should quit all this and start doing something that I really enjoy and love. But I end up thinking most of the times what is that I like to do, what is that field that would interest me and as as well earn me some good money. As usual I do not have much practical answers. Definetely at this stage of life where there is a load of responsibilities on my shoulder I cant invest time and money to percieve another profession. May be I am scared to take that risk, I agree. But if it was just me, I could have always experimented, but thats not the case anyways. 

Recently I was reading about a professional development program in my organisation. This program is mandatory for every employee if he or she aspires to have a band or position progression. I was terrified looking at the topics and the concepts this program had. There are core capabilities to be justified with live examples and there are dimension capabilities half of which does not make sense to me. On top of working day and night we are supposed to do all this programs if we want promotion. This is additional to the normal appraisal process followed. There is a people manager and there are hierarchy of project managers who would definetely know how we perform, what are the activities we are involved in etc. When such a visibility is already existing why all this additional programs to prove our abilities. Why cant things be just kept simple????

Anyways I am sure this will be the story of every big company where influence speaks more than talent !

Coming back again; when I repeatedly think about my interesting areas of work, two things comes to my mind. Being a 'chef' or an 'interior designer'. I love to cook and experiment and I love interior designing. I did  some research about online interior courses but the fees was all sky high and I am not sure even if I could invest so much time to do justice to the money that I have paid. At the end I feel,  I will always be thinking and planning about what I want to do, where I want to travel, what courses I want to enrol, but implement none of these.  I feel pathetic when I think about my attitude sometimes, but honestly I feel I need a break to percieve all that I like.

Can I ever get that kind of a break?? Let me wait and see.....

-D

Kiri Kiri Cricket !!

Cricket.. one sport that I hate from the bottom of my heart !! All credit should go to my dear hubby. He is so passionate about cricket that he can watch this lazy game forever and ever and ever. Mind you ...not just 'live' telecast, highlights from 1980 will also do for him. It doesnt matter whether the team playing is India.. he will watch the match played by any country of which I would not even have heard ! Now that also proves that I am extremely poor in world geography !! :) Who cares as long as I have google... Its like a 'Ready to eat' food packet :) Coming back to the topic, I admire my husband for his passion for cricket but it gets on to my nerves when all the attention that I am supposed to be getting is actually stolen by the lazy game !! With the daily IPL live telecast, its me who have to do every work at home at night as my hubby doesnt move his bum from the sofa. Its like fevicol, 'Yeh fevicol ka jod hai, tootega nahi' :)

Poor guy... his only passion is cricket and I always fight with him. I must say that he is a very good cricket player too..:) Probably I should develop some interest in cricket or he should stop watching cricket. The latter will never happen, nor am I very hopeful about the former one ! Not sure if buying a second TV will help :) May be I can think of sparing my hubby if he buys me a big 50" plasma . Now that is some serious hint for you Phaniraj... If you are reading this post..!!

-Deepa.

~! Perfect Living ??

Why is that I always want more in life. I want everything to be perfect. Is that how I am, or is that how every human being is !! The more I have struggled in life to make things perfect the more it has spoilt !! Could it be the growing insecurity in life or is it being ambitious.. !! anyways the point is.. this urge in me to make sure everything in life to be perfect actually makes me depressed... because Life is "never" perfect ...Does the resolution to this mean, I should have lower expectation from myself and from life and also from the people around me. Is there a benchmark set by people for a 'perfect living' ? Or what suits an individual best is his or her benchmark. 

When I think about 'Perfect Living', it reminds me how many a times I am surprised when my mother talks about how our actions in life should adhere to the rules of society. I quite don't understand who is 'society' for me or who belongs to the 'society' that everyone refers to and most importantly who manages and rules this 'society'. Why does everyone to an extent.. scared of 'society'. It has never made sense to me to adhere and stick to the values of society that has been created by some fool !! or may be I am a fool.... doesn't matter... what still irritates me is, inevitably I am also being sucked into the boundaries that society has created and even though I don't like these boundaries... BUT..I still get very scared when I cross them !! Now the question I always ask myself is who am I getting scared of ?? Then I tell myself that the people I am related to, the people I love and the people who love me, my friends, my family are also part of the society... I guess somewhere I figured it out that I am scared that the people whom I love are hurt when I cross the boundaries of society and that's why may be I am scared.. Whatever the reason is the reality is I don't have enough courage in me to stand out for the actions that I have done in my life and to justify it. It makes sense to me or not, whether I agree or not.. I too am a part of this society and If I have to live 'peacefully' then I should not make many eyebrows raise against me !! Whatever.. One thing is for sure, I will not bound my kids with such thoughts that I have inherited. They are free to be the way they want as long as they don't hurt someone !! Boundaries,limits and circle is up to them to draw. Again there is always a star*

-Deepa.

Ready...Steady...Run....

At the midst of a thousand things to do in ofc, it flashes to me that I want to write a blog. As usual I am good at starting anything with a lot of josh, but I get bored too easily to continue what I started. God bless me !! Someday I will change.. :) 

I have no idea or clue .. as to what I will blog about..:) I am sure I can crib about a lot of things and a lot of people...as its one of my fav pastime.. I hope my encounter with the blog world will atleast help me improve my english ! With this hope I will sign-off for the day.

-Deepa