The '19th Floor' Dream

I have been wanting to write about '19th Floor' from a long time, finally sitting down alone in my balcony with the ear phones, with my fav music and a perfect setting to write my heart out about my little nest . Unlike many others, I did not fear heights from my childhood days, I dreamt of living in a high rise apartment with a balcony overlooking the sea..I have not yet reached that stage to afford a luxury apartment facing the sea, but I am very happy about where I have reached today.. From a small house in madikeri that hardly had any fancy stuff and with hardly any money to decorate it..life has come a long way..I think I am slowly turning upto be an atheist but definitely grateful to the supernatural power that exists between us. Well, till now haven't mentioned about my husband without whom I don't think I could ever live my dream..I can decorate it, put my life into it, but he needs to finance it all :) Just to get this apartment ready I have let go of many other things, don't know if I have done full justice to this place, but have tried to make it look simple yet classy, Though I love bright colours, for some strong reason, tried to keep it very neutral, may be its the sign of growing old and its changing moods, probably light colour would after all suit all the mood swings ;) I can go on writing about the house, the struggle to put things together, to follow up with people, or the enthusiasm to browse through many interior websites, or roam every corner of Bangalore just to find all the items exactly as visualised, chat for hours with Archana to finalise on the designs and the fond memories that are created in this house, but more importantly, after so many months of moving in here, finally feels as though I am settling down here with an appreciation for life, for our efforts and a strong urge to stay happy and at peace with myself. Thank you life, amidst all the tricks that you throw on us, glad that you can still spare us some happiness and at least make some dreams come true..:)

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

On a dull Friday evening, when I am feeling lonely, felt that I should just write to myself, in my blog, my frustration zone, my personal space :) And when I start writing, I have no clue what to scribble! My hubby keeps saying that I am a confused person and very inconsistent. How True, Can't agree more with him. Life has given me enough, but I always want more, expect more out of myself and from others and end up being unhappy! Feels like taking a solo break,it will be only mei or meri tanhayee :) I am sure it would be very relaxing and peaceful. Afterall its very important to establish that connection with the inner self..:) Seem to have lost myself somewhere, actually if I think about it, I am missing myself, the real me, missing my music, missing my carefree attitude, missing my happiness, missing my goal to live life happily, missing the meaning of my life!! I have been lost in some path and have no idea where I am heading to..! Though it all makes sense when my emotional mind is ruling me, but my focus has changed from being happy to being sad. I would never break my head for trivial things, but somehow now every detail seem to matter so much, every small thing hurts! Going with the flow, not thinking too much, loosing touch with my real self...In the end its the path I take is not whats bothering me, but its the inability to stay happy in that path is what concerns me. For a while I started thinking for myself, what is it that I truly want in life, the instantaneous answer was, the ability to stay happy and to make my loved ones happy and to stay at peace with myself but when I don't see that happening I am a little upset on myself.! I hope next time when I feel like writing again, I will be a little more positive about life and thank life for what it has given me.

The Lonely Night!

I came home running, thinking I would put aside all my thoughts and just hit the bed, as usual did not do what I thought I should do, instead went on to my thinking mode. Off late, I hate to be on my serious thinking mode, it takes me through a long ride into the reality world, that it makes me numb, makes my heart heavy, makes me feel very lonely! I don't know where is the switch to go back to the illusion world, but it takes me a long time, before I could come out of this crazy ride! Unpleasant thoughts, insecurities, fear of losing, and every other emotion I could think of under one roof, hits me up, like a strong wave in the sea, hits me hard and I get lost without a clue how to come back. Am I complicating it for myself, reading too much into everything, reading myself incorrectly, presuming and living in a unreal world? Why is that I cannot think simple, as everybody else around me? Why is happiness such a difficult thing? I definitely have no right answers to any of my questions, nor am I putting an effort to explore the answers, but its been a crazy journey so far in life. I always thought, I would enjoy solitude, but tonight for whatever reason, I am feeling so lonely, so lost, so heavy hearted that I just want to run away from myself. I wish I could just sit by the shore of a beach with the cool breeze and with the heavy sound of the waves, and stare at them for hours, may be these waves could teach me something, bring me back to normal, give a soothing effect. I know I'l be all right, but I hate this state of mind, and haven't figured the way out of it! I am sure I am not the only emotional fool around, wonder where people find their solace? Anyways, Come hell or high water, I got to keep my calm, need to keep telling myself that life isn't a game where all the time its about winning or losing, instead it is about enjoying the moment, treasuring the memories safely, and stay content and happy and not run behind something that was never mine!!!...And will never be!

-D

Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve..:)

I have lost touch with blogging... Its been so long, lost in my own sweet world, writing a blog was the last thing on my mind. Life has changed so much, don't know for better or worse, since my last post. Its been a crazy journey, with some new discoveries, new friends, new role, new headaches, new disease, new beginning, new house, everything seems new...

Work no longer seems boring.I work with a wonderful team, best manager, good colleagues, nothing more I can ask for. I have never worked with such a manager before, who is so open, so communicative, leads from the front, highly knowledgeable, cool, calm and always composed. I have no biased opinions here, my perception of managers in the past has always been different and not very positive.

In the end, its the people that matter more than anything else, With right kind of friends around at workplace, it definitely creates a positive work environment, light hearted fun moments, laughs, and healthy competition, and when you have a manager who works hard and parties harder, than its like the icing on the cake.!

I know things would change, people would move out, new people would come in, life has to move on... sometimes I hope and pray that these moments remain forever, just continue the way it is, no changes, no surprises... I know that I am asking for too much, but all that I care for now is to live each moment before it all disappears and even before I realise that life has played its game again..:) Nevertheless, Variety is the spice of life and change is the only constant thing...:)

-D

Junk..Junk..Junk..

Its been quite a while, but I have always enjoyed writing here in this forum, my personal space. So many things happening in life. With work, house and hundred other things that needs my priority I feel lost. Meet new people, have few crushes, have few setbacks and just laugh amidst all these. Thats how life has been. Decide to focus on one work and another takes the front seat. I have always struggled to understand why my life has been so complicated. Rather my thinking and way of looking at life has been complicated. I try hard to change it each time, but I seem to be coming back to it again and again. There is no rule or restriction that filters my thoughts each time. Its been a hard journey so far with myself and my thoughts, my tantrums, my emotions, my negatives, my failures... Its all about 'me' all the time. I know its sick, but I fail to control it. There has been no creative thinking and positive outlook, all I see is remorse and regret and negativity all around. It makes me feel shitty at times, but I dont do anything about it. I have been always wanting to be someone else and it has killed me.. Each time when I think about blogging, I want to write about a place or a food or some social cause or current affair..but I end up writing about myself, me and my thoughts... Cant help it! :(