Silly frustrations!!

Sometimes, I lose myself when I am around few people. I am not comfortable and I feel suffocated. I cant be the way I want to and speak the way I like. Ex. when you have some outsiders at home, you have to cook for them 3 times a day, you have to sit and listen to what they talk and provide a response that they would expect,you cannot discuss your personel things, you cant do anything that you would like to do. This happens to me sometimes when I am surrounded by people whom I am not comfortable with. It simply happens because, there is a age gap, there is gap in the lifestyle, there is a gap in the exposure. One other thing puts me off is, when both phani and I are not treated equally and when he is treated with special attention, he is not expected to do any housework but I am expected to do everything on time, he is been loved with no difference, but I am just a assigned person to do things and nothing about me is asked or cared.

I feel I am over stressing myself sometimes, but inevitably I feel bad. I can see the difference and it does hurt me. Its my bad that I expect to be treated equally but I just feel bad soemtimes.

Anyways, there is no point dragging this...If I need to find negative aspects, I can always go on..but by doing that I am losing my own peace of mind. I definetely cant change the world nor I have the courage to go upto the people and criticise them for what they do to me. These things actually make no impact to my day to day life as I hardly encounter with these kind of people once in a while. I guess it depends on your gender, if you are a boy you are not expected to do anything and if you are a girl then you are here to fulfill all the expectations.. such is our indian society and I cant bring any revolution. But I dont know sometimes why it becomes so important to me that they have to love or care about me? I talk so much philosophies and at the end fall into the same trap of emotions and the cycle keeps repeating. OR may be my expectations with people is unrealistic and it is never bound to happen. This is just a spur of a moment and I am sure I would not even care about it after a while, but what I need to learn is not land up myself in such situations and traumatise myself with such absurd feelings which will only spoil my peace of mind. Also; learn to handle situations with such people around and do whatever I can do best and expect back nothing from them at all. I dont know when I can do that, but if I dont change my mindset then I would land myself in the same situation again as today !!

-D

Gossips,Judgements,Blamegames...!!!

Today in my house, there were arguments, discussions, judgements, conclusions..etc.. Not that this does not happen often, but today I want to express what I really feel about it. We all gossip about people, mainly relatives and sometimes very close relatives. Sadly. it does not stay at gossip level, it extends to making judgements, blamegames and what not !! Not that I have not done all these myself in the past... when you actually sit to gossip about someone the excitement doubles and you find it as the best timepass in the world and we also feel that we are talking about the most constructive thing by pointing out about others and their behaviour and somewhere inside our mind.. we also feel proud of ourselves that we are better than them !! I must say most of the people who do judegements and blamegames are the most insecured creatures... or they need a constant dose in the form of these blamegames to prove that they are better than others..!!

Coming back to my point, today I heard people talking about how others should make a decision about a particular event, how they should behave with others, how they should talk.... the list goes big. I was thinking that, these people who made the comments.. did they ever analyse their decisions, behaviours etc and rectify them to adjust with the immediate family that they live with..forget relatives... Does a human being ever have a right to talk about how another human being should live? We can guide someome if we think that they are putting wrong steps, but we can never judge them on the basis of the steps they are taking... because for all we know... that could be the best step for their life!!.. There are exceptions in every case and here I am talking about the general mass and not exceptional scenarios !!

One more habit of people(sometimes including myself) that annoys me, interrupt any conversation in the middle and abruptly stop the conversation of the person who was talking and immediately start with yours OR when there is a discussion happening about a subject everyone is eager to share their experiences and thoughts and least bothered to listen to others !! Sounds pathetic.. isnt it? Are we all such a impatient people OR is it self-assertion??? I think its both.

Todays incident has strongly clutched in my mind and what I have learnt is henceforth I will consciously not involve myself in any such useless discussions of accusing ,blaming or making judgements about others. When I do this the only question keeps echoing in my mind always is.....afterall who am I to accuse others or who am I to set any rules on how one should behave?

This post might not make any sense to most of the narrow thinkers.. but who cares.. I am not here to convince anyone...

-D

Orphanage Visit

This saturday we visited an orphanage in Blore. One of our friend wanted to celebrate his lil daughters b'day along with the orphanage kids. It was a strange feeling for me initially, as I had never visited an orphanage in my life. The kids were cute but at the same time not very clean and well dressed. This orphanage had only 6 orphan kids and this was exclusively for girls. It is a trust formed by 14 working people. The Gov/NGO's do not provide any aid, as this orphanage is only 2 years old. There are 2 women staffs to help the kids and as well for cleaning and cooking purpose. The house was not very clean and like every blore galli's it had a lot of mosquitos. The kids were pathetically dressed and did not appear very clean to us. Amidst all these, the 4 kids were very smart and very charming. I could see the pain in their eyes but also a ray of hope. The kids were sent to english medium schools and fed well according to the manager. We did take along some chocos and toys for them.

After the visit, back home my mind started its Q&A session. How would these kids really feel each time a visitor comes to visit them? Obviously the 9 out of the 10 visitors will be sympathetically inclined towards them rather then sharing any selfless love. How would each kid feel when every visitor asks the same questions to the manager and to the kids. Make them sing and dance or fold their hands and sit in a line in a corner. We people visit them for an hour or two and when we come back we completely forget about them. We get so much involved in our day to day life that we hardly even give a thought about those kids. One question to which I am not able to figure out the answer??... Would these kids feel disgusting after a while when any new visitors come and talk to them, show them sympathy and make them sing and dance OR each time when someone visits they would hope that they will be adopted by someone soon/later and these visitors will come back for them and give them a life of a kid who is no more a orphan...!! My mom was a orphan too and when I hear her stories, I get terrified. The whole thought of not having a parent scares me to hell. I know that I will only think and analyse but will never act, I will never contribute to this part of the society which we all know is suffering and will keep suffering, but I will intentionally pretend to forget about it and convince my conscious that I am too busy in making my own life... !! What more can I say?????

-D

So called 'Work'

Its been a long time since I blogged. I have been extremely busy in office with never ending deployments and KT sessions. I am now getting the knowledge transfer from my australian colleague for a different application. The role is new to me and its all about management, financials, reports..etc Then there would be Statement of Work response( Which is so tedious).. good part is there is a lot of learning curve. There is exposure to real business to an extent. The work involved in this role is more like a consulting type. Sounds good.. but lot to learn. Lots to catch up. But there is a saying in Kannada, 'Kaliyuva tanaka brahma vidye, kalitha mele kothi vidye' !! I feel so lazy to read up lot of notes and trying to understand new concepts. 

If you are working for a big organiszation, there will be a lot of process to follow for even smallest things. This irritates me so much that I sometimes think I should quit all this and start doing something that I really enjoy and love. But I end up thinking most of the times what is that I like to do, what is that field that would interest me and as as well earn me some good money. As usual I do not have much practical answers. Definetely at this stage of life where there is a load of responsibilities on my shoulder I cant invest time and money to percieve another profession. May be I am scared to take that risk, I agree. But if it was just me, I could have always experimented, but thats not the case anyways. 

Recently I was reading about a professional development program in my organisation. This program is mandatory for every employee if he or she aspires to have a band or position progression. I was terrified looking at the topics and the concepts this program had. There are core capabilities to be justified with live examples and there are dimension capabilities half of which does not make sense to me. On top of working day and night we are supposed to do all this programs if we want promotion. This is additional to the normal appraisal process followed. There is a people manager and there are hierarchy of project managers who would definetely know how we perform, what are the activities we are involved in etc. When such a visibility is already existing why all this additional programs to prove our abilities. Why cant things be just kept simple????

Anyways I am sure this will be the story of every big company where influence speaks more than talent !

Coming back again; when I repeatedly think about my interesting areas of work, two things comes to my mind. Being a 'chef' or an 'interior designer'. I love to cook and experiment and I love interior designing. I did  some research about online interior courses but the fees was all sky high and I am not sure even if I could invest so much time to do justice to the money that I have paid. At the end I feel,  I will always be thinking and planning about what I want to do, where I want to travel, what courses I want to enrol, but implement none of these.  I feel pathetic when I think about my attitude sometimes, but honestly I feel I need a break to percieve all that I like.

Can I ever get that kind of a break?? Let me wait and see.....

-D